Still doing ok as far as hunger. In fact, I didn't eat my apple at lunch because I got busy and forgot, and at dinner I was full after the my salad, which was lettuce, chicken and Walden Farms dressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's nasty stuff. It's almost gone.
The zero could still be a consequence of the glass of wine. I knew it when I did it. I accept it. I'll just keep going. If zeros were to continue for more than a 3 or 4 days, I might try an apple day or I might consider it time to hang it up. There's really nothing to report. Life goes on. I got a lot done today and we went for a walk...not quite 2 miles. I'm not doing the hot tub tonight, but I did the last two nights. I wake up every morning excited to see what might be on the scale, knowing it will probably at least be moving in the right direction. When I've chosen to go off the proven protocol it's been in the spirit of experimentation, not desperation.
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So, yesterday was essentially a zero day. Well, down .1, which is like a zero day. Those are to be expected on occasion. I have ever expectation the rest of the week should continue a downward pattern. I'd love to see the .7/.4 daily pattern.
It's going to be too cold to walk outside tonight...at least for my comfort. I'll be on the treadmill at some point. Other than that, same old, same old. Working from home though, so write, move, write, craft break, move, write. The only thing keeping me from being exceedingly bummed (and kicking myself over the wine the other night) is that I know for a fact I it is not humanly possible to gain 1.3 lb. eating 500 calories...or even 700-800 calories IF the PB even added up to 200-300 extra, which I'm not sure it did.
It may have set me back a bit, and I guess we'll see how much, as well as how long it takes me to recoup. It should be a lesson to those who are learning from my mistakes: don't mess with success. I'm playing around with the parameters a lot this time and it shows. The first thing I considered is that since I'm not sure what need the PB met, perhaps I no longer need it. The constant thoughts of it left me once I had that first spoonful. The only reason I continued it each day was because it seemed to be fueling a better loss. I didn't want it anymore. In fact, yesterday I sort of reminded myself to 'take it' (that was actually the thought...don't forget to take the PB, as if it were a supplement) later in the day. Two factors I know are contributing as well. This morning I have confirmation that I am not yet in the ranks of menopausal women. I was starting to wonder. (And was getting ready to celebrate!) Perhaps peri-menopausal, but not yet there. And, this morning I weighed about 3 hours later than yesterday. Just that can make a huge difference. I know from the experience of my clients that on occasion when it looks like there is a big gain there is a bigger loss a day or two later. My experience has been incremental losses, but significant ones. I only have a week left of my shortest possible (for me) duration left and I'm still not hungry. Since I'm feeling great, and I'd have to not feel great (AND not be releasing the grease) for at least 5 days before I'd see it as immunity, for now I just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens. I'm also playing around with the idea of doing a candida cleanse as I phase out of this. I might as well start out this new year with a completely clean system. Since there is no sugar or starch in my system now (nor has there been...much...for the last 5 weeks) that should have cleared out most of any existing yeasty beasties anyway. I would think that starting out from there would mean less of a Herxheimer reaction potential. Again, we'll have to see how it goes. Addendum: Odd fact...just after I posted this I remembered one of my last thoughts last night as I was changing into PJs and caught myself in the mirror was that I looked bigger. Where my collar bones and shoulders had definition before, suddenly I thought that was gone. And my thought was that the mind is a freaky thing, because I couldn't possibly have gained weight, and yet it looked to me like I did; more than 1.3 lb. even. Yet this morning I didn't think that, and the scale IS up. Weird. Later-- I realized on the way to work I was so tired I didn't know how I'd make it through the day. That led to thoughts of the night before when I tossed and turned all night. That also might have had something to do with the 'gain.' I'm tired as hell now and it will be an early night, hopefully one full of blissful sleep. I missed out on a fruit and veggie both today because work was so busy. I did eat my grilled chicken and melba because I needed to take my supplements with something, but I did it on the run. It wasn't a hardship or anything. I wasn't hungry, nor am I now. Yesterday was completely different and almost the same as the previous days. :-)
I had a protocol meal before we went on our adventure. I packed a protocol meal in case we had a long day. My daughter and I sort of had a plan, but we didn't know how it would unfold. So we went for a little hike on what was an unbelievable February day. It was 40* and sunny! We didn't walk far for two reasons. One, the trails were icy and muddy by turns, and two, at this time of year, the facilities are closed. Drinking a gallon or more per day while on protocol means I need to be no more than an hour or two away from a loo. I'd guess we walked no more than a mile out and back. Then we went to the mall and got something she needed. While we were there we walked around and looked at some more stuff. We ended up hitting the sale racks at Wet Seal, and it was sort of a kick for me. Though we have different tastes, we were shopping in the same place, in some cases trying on stuff that we could share. At a size 18-20 I can say when I'd shop with my daughter I'd get so depressed because I liked so much of what she could wear. Now I can wear it too! (She wears a smallish medium, I wear a larger medium...but I like my close a bit loose and she likes hers a bit tight.) We spent hours in that store! It was fun! Then we went to a movie. We were both hungry, but my one condition was that we not make dinner out part of our mother/daughter date. I could handle the food court and theater, but not sitting watching her eat at a restaurant. Not this time. She hadn't packed herself any food, so I shared some of mine. Even then I only ate enough to take my supplements, starting with my protein. I brought home some cuke and ate 1/2 the apple. She got some pretzels in the theater, and I have to say, a couple of times I looked at those and thought, 'I wonder if it would be the same as a melba if I had just one.' But I didn't, because I had a .7 day yesterday. I just couldn't take the risk. And, I wasn't sure if I'd want more than one if I went down that road. And she needed to eat something (crap that it was) and I really didn't. I just wanted to. It was a scary movie! It was so scary I almost took my heart rate app out to see just where my heart rate was riding for an hour and a half. I'm guessing aerobic level. I had my one spoonful of PB when I got home. DH was gone, my daughter was off on her own. After a couple of hours I justified a treat of 1 glass of wine with my 'chocolate'...a perfect end to a (nearly) perfect day. The only thing missing was my husband. I rationalized this with the thought that I am moving into what could be my last week, but likely won't be. I'll go as long as it's working and I feel good. That could be another two or three weeks if it means reaching my goal. I knew it could still result in a zero day or even a gain, but it hadn't yet so I calculated my risk. It looks like it was ok, but last time I had a couple of wonky days on days 2 and 3 out. We'll see. Yesterday I didn't walk but I did hot tub and today I'm down .7. Two days ago I did both and was down .2. Three days ago I walked but not hot tub and was down .9. Maybe doing both is too much? Otherwise there was conscious consistency. Eh. I'm also willing to concede that none of it matters much. Perhaps when I look back at it all it's just what my particular pattern is. Who knows?
What I do know for sure is that if I try to look ahead at how long I will do this, I start to think I can't. I'm bored with my options, and there are moments when I want something that isn't on my list, or that I am a little hungry. It's not often, and it's not something I have to fight with mighty force. It's a little voice that says, 'Your looking pretty good in those size 6-8...you really don't need to keep this up if it's a pain in the ass.' The more the 'me' in my head and the 'me' in the mirror match, the less the number on the scale(s) or the stupid Wii BMI calculation matters. Yet I don't really want to do this again. It's not horrible or anything. It's really not all that different than my usual routine. The things that are bugging me are things like Valentine's Day. I know my husband would love to go out to dinner. It would be one of those days that we would go to our favorite place, and I would eat what I want with the expectation that we'd work a little harder for a week to recoup. Those days are our anniversary and Valentine's Day, and perhaps birthdays...though those are not expectations. We still don't go crazy on those days...we sometimes split or order steak and veggies. But I would have the bread if it was good, and we'd split a desert. Then there is the possibility today of a mother/daughter day. We may go see a movie. It would be nice to do a little shopping and have lunch or dinner. We likely still will, but I won't eat. I wouldn't go wild if I weren't on protocol either. These special days are few and far between too, but I'd still order the most friendly option to my body I could choose. Sometimes that's a somewhat limited selection depending on where you go. But in reality it doesn't matter, because no matter what I order when I go out, I gain. I always have to do damage control no matter how little I eat or what I choose. So we may go out today, and I will just sit and drink coffee or try to order around what is offered if we can't plan around my meal times. I guess that's the part that bugs me...planning around this. Protocol is a non-issue...unless it's an issue. I do go to bed thinking 'Yes! Another day down!' and I wake up curious to see how I did. Work, at home or at the office, is no different, because my routine is the same. There is constant motivation on the scale and as I shrink into the clothes I love and begin to appear the way I like my body to appear. The fact that my legs already feel better is also great motivation. But then something like the above mentioned is tossed in and it's just...meh. I don't want to do it. I start giving myself rationalizations of why I don't need to any more. Like today, I counted my syringes and thought, 'Well, I have 11 left. If I take out what I'll use for the B12MICs, I have just over a week before I have to open a new package. That would be the 6 week mark and I could conceivably be at or close to my goal. OR I could open the next pack and go another week. There are ten in a pack, so it would be just over a week with the B12MIC syringes taken out. Beyond that I have one package left. (Back when I first did this and knew I'd need to go many rounds I ordered in bulk because it was cheap.) And then I think, well perhaps that's sort of synchronous. If I go until I run out of Hcg and syringes, it takes me into March. That's pushing it, but I think I could do it as long as I was still losing and still feeling good. That could take me to where the BMI calculators say I should be, which I knew is bull-pucky, but it gives me a slight cushion for where I like to be. I guess I just take it as it comes and listen to my body. A bad day happens once in awhile. But if I have a week of struggle, I'll know it's time to let it go. So far so good though. Later-- After all that complaining, I had to report that it is now past 1:30 pm and I just ate because I knew I had to. I needed to take my supplements and if I waited much longer dinner could be pretty darn late, which I don't like doing. I have had zero desire to eat all day thus far. Also, I only ate half my apple because again, I knew I should. Now I am feeling overfull with my protocol allotment. That would be on the Wii. The analog says at least a pound.
I tried to make yesterday as close to the day before as possible to replicate the results. It was mostly, except for the fact that my 3 miles was a little harder (I used incline) and my hot tub time was a bit too long. Oh, and I had a B12MIC injection, which I only do once or twice per week. I knew I was getting too warm in the tub, but I was enjoying the conversation with my honey. :-) So by the time I got out I was dizzy and a little weak. I laid down on the nice cool floor for a few minutes and I was fine. My husband thinks the Biothin is making a difference for him. Later- I remembered that the other thing that was different was that I forgot to take my probiotics yesterday. I took them today, and I replicated the last two days fairly closely. I had cucumbers in place of steamed cabbage for lunch. Otherwise I think I did everything the same. Oh! And I worked today so I didn't get to walk. I may have been exposed to the flu; by the time I got home I was achy and tired. I took a short nap and then went straight to the hot tub. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm wondering how long this nice little run of progress is going to last, but I'll take it while I've got it! I'm feeling good and still moving in the right direction.
The thoughts of peanut butter didn't go away, so yesterday before our walk, I had about 1 tbsp. The night before, we only did a two mile walk even though it was nice out. Mainly we headed back home because I was getting hungry. So I figured these thoughts were unwavering, they were specifically one thing that was reasonably healthy and not something I had a weakness for. Perhaps there was something in pb my body needed. I know in pregnancy odd cravings are often reflective of deficiencies. For instance, Pica, the craving for dirt or laundry starch, is an iron deficiency. I reasoned if I had just one spoonful before our walk, I would be more comfortable and could walk further. That indeed was the case. We walked just over 3 miles. I came home and had my beef patty and an apple. I was too full to eat the grissini or even think about the veggie. I guess it was something I needed because it was a good scale day! Really, nothing to report. I just keep plugging away because, well, it seems to be working.
Got a couple of miles in last night. It was such a nice night! The last day of January in WI and it was warm! (Well, anything above freezing in a WI winter is 'warm.' It was like 37* when we went for our walk and kids were riding bikes without coats.) Not really hungry still for the most part, until it gets close to time to eat. Then I am certainly ready. I still keep having thoughts about peanut butter. I'm really not even all that fond of peanut butter. And I don't want a sandwich or anything...just a scoop of peanut butter. Not a handful of nuts. It's weird that it's so specific. I do have sugar-free peanut butter with flax oil in the pantry, but thus far the thoughts have not been serious enough to break into it. I try to keep an eye out for what people are saying out this program. I ran across this message board which goes back a ways and has testimonials of people who have improved their cholesterol, have teetered on the brink of diabetes and are no longer there, etc. I've seen all this in real people, so I'm happy to see it here. It's sad and frustrating to see people keep trying the same old stuff that I've tried, knowing they are metabolically broken and well fail and blame themselves. I get that this is very different and flies in the face of convention. But it works! I just hate to see people I care about struggle. However, having said that it is the individuals decision how they will manage their weight/health, or IF they will. As much as I would love to see everyone reclaim their authentic self, they have to come to it on their own. If you are a thin person reading this, please take note: it is none of your damn business! Commenting on someone's food is not going to help them. "Gee, are you sure you don't want a DIET soda instead?" is passive aggressive horse-shit. Those 'knowing glances' you share at the dinner table when a fat person orders steak instead of salad...when you ordered the same damn thing? Yeah. That wasn't some secret communication that went unnoticed. So I don't push this. I have friends I wish would do it because I know they will feel better physically, get healthier, be emotionally happier and perhaps even be more successful in their careers. But it's not my damn business either. |
AuthorI struggled with my weight for over 20 years. I tried everything to lose weight. Yes, I did 'eat less, move more' repeatedly, convinced that doing the same thing over and over would someone yield different results. Desperate, having diligently done all the 'right' things and being told by several doctors that there was nothing wrong with me except that I wasn't trying hard enough, in 2009 I tried what seemed crazy: Dr. Simeons Hcg protocol. I lost 85 lb. Archives
April 2012
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