Eh. Yesterday was a weird day; too much stress, not much exercise, meals pushed out WAY beyond comfort.
I had to delay eating my first meal so far out that by the time I ate I felt sick. Then I wasn't sure if I was sick, or I was just still feeling the effects of that. By the time I ate my second meal I still didn't feel good, but I needed to eat to take my supplements. So I had chicken and 1/2 grapefruit, but didn't have a veggie.
This morning I woke up a little hungry, but not too bad. I'm on my second cup of coffee.
I guess at this point, I figure there is so little Hcg left in the vial, I just keep going? If it's still working and my body is still registering, it will work the way it's going to work. If it's not and I get hungry enough I feel the need to begin adding a little more protein or veggie to get by, it's not going to matter because it's not working and it would be like moving into stabilization without it anyway. Either way, I seriously doubt there is more than a week left in the vial. My original hope was to go through the end of the month if I could.
The question that remains though is do I skip a dose today to possibly stretch that out?
I wasn't expecting this, actually. Last night for my protein I had a beef patty. I looked at all my veggie and fruit options and didn't want them. I haven't had the melba in days. I walked 4.5 miles. BUT because of all that, I justified 1 glass of wine.
It took me a half hour to finally give myself permission for that. And my heart and my head were still not in agreement. After all, I'd had two <.7 days, why even mess with that? But I easily didn't eat 150 calories I should have, and I burned 330 calories on my walk. I wanted the wine. I didn't want the food.
I had just the one glass, followed by a liter of water and I don't feel crappy today.
Today isn't supposed to be as warm, but it is sunny. We may bundle up and get some Ds again.
DH had a discussion this morning that I think is worth sharing: I was all excited about another significant drop and asked how his morning weigh went. He said it was 'the same it is every day, Pinky.'
He has held his weight for the entire two years since he did protocol. It fluctuates very little. Even when he has a huge gain...like over Super Bowl weekend he gained 7.5 lb....he autocorrects within a day or two.
I find that amazing and frustrating as hell.
Now I held for a year and a half pretty effortlessly, but I had intimately changed everything about my life after I lost the 80 lb. (the last 5 lb. of the 85 lb. total came off because of those changes.)
Last year, I gained about 7 over an entire winter (with multiple assignable root causes outside my control) and struggled to lose it before the DVT. The DVT just threw a wrench in the whole system and was what it was, also out of my control, but still I was unable to fix it without protocol. I bet he could have.
He can eat things, like the chips and cheese he ate last night, that I can't eat. It has no affect on him. If I ate even 1/4 to 1/2 of the same thing he ate last night, I'd gain.
Since protocol, we exercise together often and we check in pretty much every day after weigh in as accountability buddies. He sees, even on protocol, how different my body is from his.
So I asked him if, when I was morbidly obese, he had that awareness at all. And the reason I asked is because very often when I would be dieting the traditional way (eat less, move more...the rest depended on the latest 'expert' advice, such as 'eat low fat' or 'just cut out sugar and flour') he would still buy stuff on my prohibited list and eat it in front of me. One time when I was near in tears, struggling to maintain what willpower I had because he was eating something I loved but couldn't have, I tried to make him understand. I asked him what if I had something you loved...the thing you love most...and I kept it in front of you ALL THE TIME, but I said, "Don't touch!" You can see it every moment of every day, but you can never touch it. You can't taste it...not one bite. Would you think that's fair?
He really didn't understand. He shrugged and said, 'I just wouldn't eat it.' Finally I just told him that sugar and flour products could not be in the house. Do not buy them at the grocery story, do not go to Dairy Queen and bring it back to eat in front of me, do not bring a dozen donuts home and eat one and leave the box sitting there...just don't f*cking do it!
He said that it wasn't fair that just because I was on a diet that he and my DD couldn't have stuff they liked. I said that none of that was good for them either; that the only difference was it showed up on my ass! That my symptom indicating it was bad for me was visible, but it was still damaging them inside. He still didn't get it.
We were both mired in the traditional belief that you just move more and eat less. So besides me trying to make it through every day on 800 or 900 calories of food I hated (or essentially no food, during the protein drink phases) he would see me get up at 4 am (because I had a toddler who got up at 6 am and that was the only time I had to myself) and exercise 2 and 3 hours per day, soaking through two sets of workout clothes each day, crying while I walked/ran on the treadmill, because I knew from past experience it did absolutely f*cking NOTHING for me. I hated it because of that, yet I did it every f*cking DAY; filling a backpack full of sand and walking up and down a sand dune 3 or 4 nights per week, lifting weights with my sister for an hour per day...all of this for months on end with no result.
He saw my effort and my pain. Neither of us understood it. It SHOULD work. 'They' said it HAD to work. But it didn't. I blamed myself. I just wasn't strong enough. I just didn't try hard enough. This was crazy-making thinking, because I was trying SO DAMN HARD...and just getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger every. single. year.
Over and over again I was trying, in different ways (sort of, but because it was all based on the same old wrong thinking of 'a calorie is a calorie' and 'calorie in, calorie out' it was essentially the same) and failing. How can that not make a person feel like a failure? How long can a person keep doing that without feeling like they'd eat busted glass to get a result because dying just doesn't seem so bad anymore? How big does a person get before the effort of tying your shoes just isn't worth it anymore?
For me, it was when I topped 200 lb. and I'd been trapped in a body I hated and had no control over for about 15 years. And though I'm high disclosure, there are a million little things about being fat that I dealt with that defeated me daily that I won't even share with someone who has never been fat.
So, when I found the Simeons protocol, I was at a place where I'd tried every single thing, sensical and non-sensical, there was to do...and it didn't work. I couldn't do it. Obviously, I reasoned, there was something deficient in me. I was going to end up injecting a hormone (insulin) into my body eventually anyway, if I lived that long. What's a few injections of Hcg? (Not that injections are required. Mamaclok and others have used prescription strength sublingual quite successfully.) I'd been pregnant twice and make 4,000-8,000 times the amount in this program for months and it didn't kill me. Sure, it would cost a couple hundred bucks (I ordered 3 vials the first time) and I had to order it from out of the country, but eh, what the hell. I'd spend more than that on stuff that didn't work before. What if this DID work? I was SEEING it work on YouTube videos. I was reading testimonials from people who were not paid to advertise anything. And if it did kill me, so f*cking what? I was dying a slow and miserable death anyway, and I hated my life. I had a wonderful kid and husband and everything around me was grand...but every single time I looked in the mirror, what I saw was not what was in my head. That wasn't me. I cannot even explain what cognitive dissonance that creates every single day.
So I did it. It sounded crazy, but I did exactly what the delmem and mamaclok did. And IT WORKED! For the first time in my life, the scale showed results. I didn't see it in myself for awhile, because when you are that big, I think they make clothes that magically expand and contract. I saw progress on the scale every day, but for the first round (30-35 lb.) I was still in my 18-20s. They were big, but I couldn't get down into a 16 yet. And no one noticed.
The next round, I got into 14-16...and even a few 12s. People started noticing, but still were hesitant to comment. This is about where I began to shrink out of stuff every 10 lb. or so...so about every 2 weeks.
The next round, I got into single digits! Whoo hoo! I shrunk right past clothes I'd had since my DD was born.
The next round, I my wardrobe is completely new, because I haven't been into a 4-6 since high school. I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams expected to be there again.
NOW, sugar and flour and soy are gone from my life. It wasn't hard to make those changes after protocol. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it acts as sort of a detox, and while you are on the Hcg, you just don't want them. I was astounded that my daughter would buy bagels and eat one (This is a pattern with my husband and dau...they will make cookies and eat one or two, then the rest sit there until they are stale. WTH is that?) and the rest would sit in the fridge and it was like I didn't even see them. I'd end up tossing a whole package of stale bagels eventually. And bagels were one of my weaknesses.
I made a cake for my daughter's graduation, but being on protocol, I couldn't have any. I put a slice in the freezer, thinking I'd have it during loading days for my next round. In December when I was putting holiday leftovers in the freezer, I found it. I had forgotten all about it. It was gross and I threw it away.
There are times when you want things out of habit, or because you are in a social situation in which you have few options, or because outside triggers are prompting you subconsciously, but oddly enough, you notice those things somewhat dispassionately. Or you can. Some people make excuses to cheat. Some people can get away with it and some can't. Some cheats are less damaging than others.
This time around, I've been willing to play with stuff not on protocol, or play with dosages of the Hcg. I've exercised more, because I already was and I wasn't willing to lose ground. But the first 4 times, when I was reclaiming my life...I never did. And I didn't want to.
I have no idea how I ended up on this tangent. I do know that last night my husband hugged me and could almost wrap his arms around me twice. I like that.
Well, so far I'm happy that I changed my mind and kept going. :-)
Yesterday was painless, except for the agonizing I did about if I should quit. Ate the same things, did the same things. Thought it was nice out (meaning above freezing!), so we did a 3 mile walk about the neighborhood instead of treadmill. Today will be more of the same as far as I can tell. It's early though. I could change my mind.
I work today, which always makes it easier for some reason. I do have a shorter day, however, so I'll just have to keep as busy when I arrive home.
I'm not sure what to do with bit of information. I still ate the same as I have been yesterday. I still did the same routine as far as movement. I was not starving at any point. When I did eat, it was because I actually needed to because I was hungry, but not unmanageably so.
There is still Hcg in my system. I won't have cleared until after tomorrow. If it's still working, then yesterday was sort of just like a 'skip day' if I pick up where I left off.
I'm encouraged because I finally bumped down below 140 on the analog scale. Of course I'm still overweight by Wii calculations, but would be even if I were 139 on the Wii board.
I don't know if I could eek out a few more lbs. if I continued over the weekend, but I'm very tempted to try. I've lost all I gained while I was sick. I might be able to get down to where I was before our 'Winter of the Bizarre and Unpleasant' because it's not even another 10 lb., especially if the Tanita is indicating that I weight more because I have more muscle mass.
Really, I don't want to do this again. DH is already looking at bicycle pants for some really long rides he's planning for us. I can't do all the really active stuff we like to do if I'm on a 500 calorie program, though I guess I could play with it like I have been and see what happens.
But I don't want to pay for Hcg again since I have some now and it's mixed. If it's working, it seems silly to just toss it.
Hmm. I'll get back on this.
Well, it was decided for me only because I have a slightly superstitious streak and believe in the law of three.
I've given a lot of shots, both of B12MICs and Hcg; hundreds perhaps. In all these years, I had ever drawn up blood when I poked myself...until this round. This time, it happened twice not too far apart. I don't recall exactly, but it might have been in the span of a week or two...and then today. I decided that if it happened a third time, I'd consider it a sign. And it did today as I was debating if I wanted to do it again. And today I had a B12MIC and that one went fine. It was the Hcg that drew blood.
Not that it's a big deal or anything. You just toss the needle and draw a new one. But there you have it.
I just couldn't do it! In reviewing the last week or so (well, from the 10th) I'm down 2.4! If I quit now, I'll always wonder if I could have done better. So, I took the Hcg after lunch.
Granted, things could continue to be as wonky and inconsistent as they have been. I could screw up. But it's coming off! So, just a few more days.
However, I did weigh at 5-freakin-30 in the morning. People should still be sleeping at that hour and MY body knows that. I know that a two-hour difference makes a difference in what the machine says.
I wasn't intolerably hungry after I ate my lunch yesterday. I did eat my fruit early, and my lunch did not follow far behind. I was pretty good until late afternoon, when I did have a scoop of peanut butter. I had about 1/2 of what I'd had before. That held me until dinner, which was I think around 5:30 pm, but I didn't eat my melba or fruit because I was too full and wanted to get some treadmill in. I finally got to that around 7:30 and by the time I was done it was 9 pm and I was pretty much ready for bed. I never did get to the rest of my meal.
I'm not hungry now, or at least my brain isn't awake enough to register it. My tummy is making odd noises, but it isn't painful.
In the last week I've released .6 lb. total. Not seeing the scale budge below that mark I've been looking for all week, along with the hunger I felt last week, makes me think this is about all I'm going to get out of this. I'm in a much better place than I was on New Year's Eve when I decided I had to do it. I feel better and I fit into more of the clothes I want, and they look like I want them to look. I can do yoga again and not feel lumpy. I'm OK with that.
I'm sick of the food selections, even with the few modifications I made. I was telling DH last night that I look forward to salads with hard boiled egg and bacon, with real blue cheese dressing! I look forward to cream in my coffee and being able to have nuts as a snack! I want roasted green beans with olive oil, garlic and pine nuts, and sugar-free ice cream with real cream! And I know not only will I stabilize, but can keep losing at this rate (or faster) with these foods. It's time.
I also miss lotion on my skin.
So, today, tomorrow and perhaps Friday, I keep on keeping on without the shots. I begin eating normal on Saturday. For me, normal means no sugar no starch anyway, so it won't really be just for the next 3 weeks. I'm just a lot more careful about it in the first part of stabilization. After that, it's still my normal, but once in a great while, I allow a little sugar and/or starch. For instance, we already know we are going to one of our favorite restaurants for my birthday. I know they have spectacular bread and deserts. So, I will order filet mignon and veggies (even though they also have the best pasta in the world!) but I will eat the bread and I will split a desert with my honey. We will then kick ass on bikes or something for a week or two to take off what that puts on...which is likely 2-3 lb. Yes. One meal. Reasonable, even very small, quantities. 2-3 lb. for me. It is what it is.
Well, that's encouraging, except that for the first time in more than 6 weeks I am OMG hungry! It's only 10:30 and I'm about ready to chew my arm off. Growling tummy, almost painful and what could be the beginning of a headache.
I'm drinking a bunch of water to try to stave it off as long as possible, but for the first time I feel like it's requiring copious amounts of willpower.
Shoot, even I'm getting bored with these updates. I need to go back and get some interesting video and links. I have no more pictures just yet.
I expected an even bigger gain today. I've had a lot of stress in my life the last few days and little to no sleep last night. Feel a little punky today, but I have two appointments I cannot miss. I'm going to see if I can reschedule the afternoon one though, so I may spend the day on the couch and I might as well get some interesting stuff posted here retroactively between naps. I hope naps. I hope naps and nothing else.
Also, my husband brought me a coconut oil chocolate last night. I'd already had two, but since I walked 4 miles, I figured I could get away with two; they're small. But I should have just declined the 3rd. The body doesn't seem to mind a little coconut oil and coco, and it doesn't seem to be so much about the calories, though it could be. It's a touchy program, and even the miles might not have offset the calories. That one extra piece was likely about 60-70 calories. I think it just bumped up beyond what the body needs in the way of oils, and then it causes storage. I didn't want it or need it. I wasn't hungry. I only ate it because it was nice of him to think of me. But he would gladly have eaten it had I said, 'No thanks.'
I ended up walking 5 miles on the treadmill yesterday, so I did have perhaps 100 extra protein calories. I was a little hungry, but not ravenous.
I'm sore today. I had the incline bumped up to 9 for about 1/2 mile. It just felt good and the movie was decent. Soreness usually means that when the water that is retained from the muscle damage/building cycle is gone I'll be down a little more.
Today I may do yoga and the hot tub. It's really cold outside though, and I don't know if melting the muscle soreness away is worth the 'brrrrr' of getting out.
The Wii let me re-set my goal. Today was my goal date and I didn't make it by 11 lb. Then it suggested a goal weight for me which is 20 lb. less than where I am! That's ridiculous! 10 I can see; I think 20 probably would put me at a size 2! Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm not going there.
Whew! That keeps me going. That means down .8 in the last week. At least it's progress! If it was just maintaining or gaining, I wasn't going to keep trying. But not only is it progress, it's significant. If I can do that for a few more days, I'd be happy! I'd be much happier if I could continue it for another week or two and reach that goal.
What I'm thinking is that maybe those adjustments I made that worked for a week only while I was near my TOM. I continued them...sort of. I had the 'chocolate' every night, and the spoonful of peanut butter on the days I walked and yesterday (because I actually was hungry...really hungry...by 3 pm). But when I did, I'd skip either the fruit or veggie; both to keep the calorie count closer to where it should be, and because I'm just sick of my selections.
I do believe I've just got to stop messing around, renew my commitment not experiment with this if I'm going to get anywhere. Keep going it is! (At least for another day.)
Seriously, this nails it. I'm not stopping. My work scale puts me almost TWENTY lb. more than I want to be, and I do not know how that is possible.
The good news is, I put on a pair of pants I love in a size 8 and I shrunk past them before I could even wear them once! Good thing I bought a pair in a size 6 as well. (I loved them that much!)
The other good news is that even though the work scale has me at 9 lb. more than my analog, it also shows my fat percentage as decent. I'm in the 'green' albeit at the higher end.
So that made me wonder if perhaps all that bike riding and yoga and hiking last summer built muscle; maybe I weigh more, but the reason I feel closer to my goal weight than the scale shows (both in body and clothes) is that I really am smaller, but have muscle that weighs more?
I can hope.
If I were doing this for the first time, I would probably be depressed. I might even think despite the 20 lbs. gone that this 'doesn't work.' In fact, because I lost more the first time I did it, even with experience I thought it wasn't working because I didn't lose as much as fast, but then again, I started out 30 lb. beyond my goal weight, and I really am at a pretty nice place right now having released 20 lb. of fat. I'm back into a comfortable 8, which my husband is quite happy with. I'd like to be a 4-6. I know that the smaller a person is when they do this, the less they lose, because one usually only loses 10-15% of your starting weight per round. 10% would have been about 16 lb., which I've surpassed. 15% would be about 24, which I could see in the next 5 days or so. Which, BTW, the leading 'successful' weight loss program says I could lose in per YEAR. I calculated the cost of that program and how long it would have taken me to lose that first 80 lb., and I would have been only 1/2 way there at TWO YEARS...but I would have been $24,000 lighter! Well, I actually wouldn't have been anywhere near that because I would have quit with so little progress.
Anyway, I lost more when I was bigger because I had more to lose. I'd still like to hit that 15% mark or perhaps a little more. I'll do the rest with diet and exercise. I know I can once I start to build muscle and incorporate 'intermittent fasting' (IT) days.
I don't know why I'm struggling a little with being 'overweight' according to the Wii, which calculates BMI. I know it's bullshit. I know it just from seeing people at work, and from my own experience. I would look like a bobble head if I were as thin as the BMI calculations say I should be to register 'normal' on my Wii. But I also ready this article on NPR that explained it well, and just now when I went to link that article I found this one that translates the ideas in the NPR one into a Lilliputian/Gulliver visual I can really get behind.
I committed to 6 weeks, longer if it's still working. Despite my dismay at the scale this morning, there is no way I actually gained on what I'm eating. I'm moving, but not overdoing it. I'm drinking plenty of water. I slept like a rock last night. My TOM has passed, and this far beyond that one glass of wine, I can't blame that. I have no clue what this is about. I will have to check in with the Tanita, but even then if my hydration level or time of day is different from the last time I used it, I won't get an accurate reading.
In any case, even with the set back that isn't a set back, I've not woke up hungry or went to bed starving. No headaches, no cravings for things like bread or sweets. I'd really like to get my fats back into my life, especially after reading a sample of Eat Fat, Lose Fat on my Kindle.
So it's at least another 5 days, including today, with 3 days of VLCI eating left. If I haven't gotten into the 130s (on either scale) by then, I'll consider it over.
A few minutes later--
OH! I had sauerkraut for lunch yesterday! Now granted, there may be no reason for this day, but I do remember thinking I might have a gain (not that I envisioned over a lb.!) from the salt and not to worry about it. I just couldn't fact cauliflower or steamed cabbage again. I didn't want lettuce for both meals and I only have one cucumber left, which I need for work because it travels well. So, yeah. That could be it. It might not be too.
I added fish oil to my supplements both times today. I've felt pinching in my calves. It's not a pain, or swelling, or anything like that. Just an odd pinching. And since I don't know what it is, I decided to add the fish oils back in. And I did yoga. I'm about to do the hot tub.
DH asked me what the total was for the week. Down .1. that was depressing!
I'm not hungry and feel fine, so I would think the Hcg is still 'working,' but maybe there's something else going on with ME. Maybe it is time to stop. It makes no sense to eat 500 calories per day (or even a bit more, in any combination) if there is no loss. I may not feel hungry, but I know I can maintain on more food with perhaps a little more exercise. So if all I'm doing is maintaining, I don't really want to continue to eat the same food in the same amounts.
I'll have to meditate on this. And see what tomorrow brings.
I struggled with my weight for over 20 years. I tried everything to lose weight. Yes, I did 'eat less, move more' repeatedly, convinced that doing the same thing over and over would someone yield different results. Desperate, having diligently done all the 'right' things and being told by several doctors that there was nothing wrong with me except that I wasn't trying hard enough, in 2009 I tried what seemed crazy: Dr. Simeons Hcg protocol. I lost 85 lb.