It took me a half hour to finally give myself permission for that. And my heart and my head were still not in agreement. After all, I'd had two <.7 days, why even mess with that? But I easily didn't eat 150 calories I should have, and I burned 330 calories on my walk. I wanted the wine. I didn't want the food.
I had just the one glass, followed by a liter of water and I don't feel crappy today.
Today isn't supposed to be as warm, but it is sunny. We may bundle up and get some Ds again.
DH had a discussion this morning that I think is worth sharing: I was all excited about another significant drop and asked how his morning weigh went. He said it was 'the same it is every day, Pinky.'
He has held his weight for the entire two years since he did protocol. It fluctuates very little. Even when he has a huge gain...like over Super Bowl weekend he gained 7.5 lb....he autocorrects within a day or two.
I find that amazing and frustrating as hell.
Now I held for a year and a half pretty effortlessly, but I had intimately changed everything about my life after I lost the 80 lb. (the last 5 lb. of the 85 lb. total came off because of those changes.)
Last year, I gained about 7 over an entire winter (with multiple assignable root causes outside my control) and struggled to lose it before the DVT. The DVT just threw a wrench in the whole system and was what it was, also out of my control, but still I was unable to fix it without protocol. I bet he could have.
He can eat things, like the chips and cheese he ate last night, that I can't eat. It has no affect on him. If I ate even 1/4 to 1/2 of the same thing he ate last night, I'd gain.
Since protocol, we exercise together often and we check in pretty much every day after weigh in as accountability buddies. He sees, even on protocol, how different my body is from his.
So I asked him if, when I was morbidly obese, he had that awareness at all. And the reason I asked is because very often when I would be dieting the traditional way (eat less, move more...the rest depended on the latest 'expert' advice, such as 'eat low fat' or 'just cut out sugar and flour') he would still buy stuff on my prohibited list and eat it in front of me. One time when I was near in tears, struggling to maintain what willpower I had because he was eating something I loved but couldn't have, I tried to make him understand. I asked him what if I had something you loved...the thing you love most...and I kept it in front of you ALL THE TIME, but I said, "Don't touch!" You can see it every moment of every day, but you can never touch it. You can't taste it...not one bite. Would you think that's fair?
He really didn't understand. He shrugged and said, 'I just wouldn't eat it.' Finally I just told him that sugar and flour products could not be in the house. Do not buy them at the grocery story, do not go to Dairy Queen and bring it back to eat in front of me, do not bring a dozen donuts home and eat one and leave the box sitting there...just don't f*cking do it!
He said that it wasn't fair that just because I was on a diet that he and my DD couldn't have stuff they liked. I said that none of that was good for them either; that the only difference was it showed up on my ass! That my symptom indicating it was bad for me was visible, but it was still damaging them inside. He still didn't get it.
We were both mired in the traditional belief that you just move more and eat less. So besides me trying to make it through every day on 800 or 900 calories of food I hated (or essentially no food, during the protein drink phases) he would see me get up at 4 am (because I had a toddler who got up at 6 am and that was the only time I had to myself) and exercise 2 and 3 hours per day, soaking through two sets of workout clothes each day, crying while I walked/ran on the treadmill, because I knew from past experience it did absolutely f*cking NOTHING for me. I hated it because of that, yet I did it every f*cking DAY; filling a backpack full of sand and walking up and down a sand dune 3 or 4 nights per week, lifting weights with my sister for an hour per day...all of this for months on end with no result.
He saw my effort and my pain. Neither of us understood it. It SHOULD work. 'They' said it HAD to work. But it didn't. I blamed myself. I just wasn't strong enough. I just didn't try hard enough. This was crazy-making thinking, because I was trying SO DAMN HARD...and just getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger every. single. year.
Over and over again I was trying, in different ways (sort of, but because it was all based on the same old wrong thinking of 'a calorie is a calorie' and 'calorie in, calorie out' it was essentially the same) and failing. How can that not make a person feel like a failure? How long can a person keep doing that without feeling like they'd eat busted glass to get a result because dying just doesn't seem so bad anymore? How big does a person get before the effort of tying your shoes just isn't worth it anymore?
For me, it was when I topped 200 lb. and I'd been trapped in a body I hated and had no control over for about 15 years. And though I'm high disclosure, there are a million little things about being fat that I dealt with that defeated me daily that I won't even share with someone who has never been fat.
So, when I found the Simeons protocol, I was at a place where I'd tried every single thing, sensical and non-sensical, there was to do...and it didn't work. I couldn't do it. Obviously, I reasoned, there was something deficient in me. I was going to end up injecting a hormone (insulin) into my body eventually anyway, if I lived that long. What's a few injections of Hcg? (Not that injections are required. Mamaclok and others have used prescription strength sublingual quite successfully.) I'd been pregnant twice and make 4,000-8,000 times the amount in this program for months and it didn't kill me. Sure, it would cost a couple hundred bucks (I ordered 3 vials the first time) and I had to order it from out of the country, but eh, what the hell. I'd spend more than that on stuff that didn't work before. What if this DID work? I was SEEING it work on YouTube videos. I was reading testimonials from people who were not paid to advertise anything. And if it did kill me, so f*cking what? I was dying a slow and miserable death anyway, and I hated my life. I had a wonderful kid and husband and everything around me was grand...but every single time I looked in the mirror, what I saw was not what was in my head. That wasn't me. I cannot even explain what cognitive dissonance that creates every single day.
So I did it. It sounded crazy, but I did exactly what the delmem and mamaclok did. And IT WORKED! For the first time in my life, the scale showed results. I didn't see it in myself for awhile, because when you are that big, I think they make clothes that magically expand and contract. I saw progress on the scale every day, but for the first round (30-35 lb.) I was still in my 18-20s. They were big, but I couldn't get down into a 16 yet. And no one noticed.
The next round, I got into 14-16...and even a few 12s. People started noticing, but still were hesitant to comment. This is about where I began to shrink out of stuff every 10 lb. or so...so about every 2 weeks.
The next round, I got into single digits! Whoo hoo! I shrunk right past clothes I'd had since my DD was born.
The next round, I my wardrobe is completely new, because I haven't been into a 4-6 since high school. I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams expected to be there again.
NOW, sugar and flour and soy are gone from my life. It wasn't hard to make those changes after protocol. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it acts as sort of a detox, and while you are on the Hcg, you just don't want them. I was astounded that my daughter would buy bagels and eat one (This is a pattern with my husband and dau...they will make cookies and eat one or two, then the rest sit there until they are stale. WTH is that?) and the rest would sit in the fridge and it was like I didn't even see them. I'd end up tossing a whole package of stale bagels eventually. And bagels were one of my weaknesses.
I made a cake for my daughter's graduation, but being on protocol, I couldn't have any. I put a slice in the freezer, thinking I'd have it during loading days for my next round. In December when I was putting holiday leftovers in the freezer, I found it. I had forgotten all about it. It was gross and I threw it away.
There are times when you want things out of habit, or because you are in a social situation in which you have few options, or because outside triggers are prompting you subconsciously, but oddly enough, you notice those things somewhat dispassionately. Or you can. Some people make excuses to cheat. Some people can get away with it and some can't. Some cheats are less damaging than others.
This time around, I've been willing to play with stuff not on protocol, or play with dosages of the Hcg. I've exercised more, because I already was and I wasn't willing to lose ground. But the first 4 times, when I was reclaiming my life...I never did. And I didn't want to.
I have no idea how I ended up on this tangent. I do know that last night my husband hugged me and could almost wrap his arms around me twice. I like that.