Yesterday could not be a steak day. Nor can today.
Yesterday was one of those days when I was so tried I couldn't even function. I was in a fog, clumsy, and seriously in a space where trying to read or write put me to sleep in a matter of minutes. In fact, I did fall asleep on the computer once. I have no idea how long I was out, but it couldn't have been for long. It was a very deep sleep.
I also had those cravings for carbs. Those irresistible carvings. By that I mean it in the most literal terms...I tried to resist and found it nearly impossible.
I don't know if that was kicked off by the ingestion of bread in the form of my choice of the panini over salad the day before, or the extreme fatigue. While I had made the connection with carbs and fatigue a few weeks ago, I did not experience it so much last week when I my drag as Monday.
In any case, I resisted only perhaps 50% of the time. I had an Ezekiel English Muffin at one point. Other times, I nibbled on dark chocolate covered blueberries. Often. To the point that I easily ate a cup (as in 8 oz.) of these over the course of 6 or 7 hours. Little constant hits of sugar, a few blueberries at a time.
I can be grateful that I didn't have any other sugar or bread in the house. I can be grateful that my 'binging' isn't a whole pint of ice-cream or bag of cookies. But I still see the repercussions of my actions on the scale and in the way I currently feel (bloated).
I only have two weeks to correct this. My birthday is in two weeks and I have PLANS to go off track. I also have plans for corrective action. But I really, really would like to be MUCH lower than I was even before the last couple of days.
My first order of the day, this day and every day that I am home, is treadmill. Then writing, Then yoga. Every day. If I hit it hard, and I can keep the calories low, I should be able to recoup. And I have to avoid Mondays like the last few.
I can't let this spiral out of control. And I'm blogging it because it's a perfect illustration, painfully honest, of how it can go that way. It would be way to easy to say it's gone above that place where I can just way 'screw it' and keep going. For me, on the analog, that means bumping up to over 140. It was 141 or 142. It's been riding just below 140, with the lowest being 138 on the analog. (Of course the Wii is always higher.)
So I'm 3-5 lb. higher right now, just from the last TWO DAYS! And they weren't even horrible, OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING sort of days or anything. They were 'inclusion of a piece of bread and the equivalent of a few teaspoons of sugar' sort of days. In my old life that would be, well, just a day. Actually, not even a day. That might have been just a meal on some days.
But since I know better now, I have to do better.
I got 8 miles in and 40 minutes of yoga. So far, I've consumed 922 calories, which is more than the 867 my app says I should, but I doubt I'll go over 1000 even if I have a snack or a glass of wine later.
It has been suggested to me that because I gained from so little bread that perhaps the way I now eat has made me 'carb sensitive.' I don't believe that to be true. I think this probably always was the way I reacted to carbs...which is why I gained 10 lb. per year for years on end. I think maybe there is a point at which I built up a tolerance so that the damage was not so obvious.
I was very active as a fat person. I might have been able to only walk 3 miles at a time before my feet hurt, but it was a lot more work to carry around that much more weight too...and I often worked out for 2 or 3 hours per day. I wasn't necessarily consistent. I often quit after 3 or 4 more months of no visible progress, but I did it.
The difference is now I catch it and take corrective action. When I do the work I expect to see the result. Before, I could never get past a certain point. And maybe I won't this time. I don't know. But to me, what I see now helps make sense of the past. I don't see it as any different than it ever was. I just understand it better now. I think.