I got the analog scale out again at DHs suggestion as Wii was discouraging me. The analog says today I'm down 2.5; the Wii .2.
I'm wondering if there is a problem with the Wii being on the carpet? I do have risers on it, but I just do not see how there can be that big of a disparity. Either reported result is possible. From past experience, the 2.5 is more typical after the slow days and then the big gain. Which, I do believe I've decided, was a mid-cycle bout of water retention. I've added digestive enzymes and being more diligent about the probiotics. I've also ordered some supplements from Mercola's website that might help.
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I did it. I think I regret it.
Wii says I'm down .7, but I have to wonder how much more I'd be down if I didn't do it. Would it have been another 1.1? Would it have been another .2? We'll never know. What we do know is I have a mild headache, which is the reason I think it may not have been worth it. I feel a little cruddy. But then gain, I did it wrong. If there is a wrong way to go rogue. I did not eat my grapefruit or cabbage. Instead, I did have 1 piece (2 tsp. size or so) of a piece of 'chocolate' that is made with cocoa, coconut oil and stevia and a glass of good red wine when I got home from my engagement. But the problem is that, as I suspected, I felt pretty good after one glass. It was easy to justify a second because the bottle was almost empty anyway. I did end up dumping about half of what was in my last glass down the sink, but still...indulgent. It would have been very easy to give in to a train wreak cheat had some wonderful food been in the room, too. Though I will say it was relatively painless to go to my social event and have pizza and cake in front of me. I wasn't the least bit tempted, though it felt awkward to be the only one not eating. Why is that I wonder? This morning my fingers were swollen. My rings are tight. That made me a little apprehensive to get on the scale, but I needed to know. I was pleasantly surprised. I do wonder if tomorrow or Sunday I'll face delayed repercussions. If the next couple of days go ok, and/or this seems to have kick started me, I would try the 'chocolate' again, but I'm not sure about the wine. In a week or two the headache that is now so present will be just a memory, so we'll see. It's all about the scale. This is not nearly enough to make me happy again, but less sad.
I've always stuck to the protocol like glue and had great results, so this is different for me. I've had little tiny gains, but don't recall ever having a 2.6. If I did it must have resolved right away or I'd remember it. In any case, I turned to my peeps on the interwebs for some ideas for how to get things moving again. I feel wonderful and I'm not hungry (have I said that before?) or this would be very disheartening. The motivation of moving in the right direction every day keeps a person going when it's boring. I get to the end of each day already and think, 'Made it through one more day! At the end of the week I'll be half way!' I find that odd too. I really am eating about the same variety of food as when I'm not doing this. Honestly, I even eat the same lunch, perhaps less because I don't usually take a vegetable or melba, just chicken and apple, when I'm not on protocol. Anyway, if I have lost 15 by Monday morning, which is possible if I can get things moving again, that means if I can KEEP it moving I can reach 30 lb. in 42 days, which is my goal. If not, and if I'm not showing signs of immunity to the Hcg, I may try to push it an extra week or two so I don't have to do another round. Frankly, the timing for stabilization and stuff works out great for me that way. And I REALLY don't want to do this again. I didn't want to this time, honestly. I wouldn't have if I had been able to do what I know works for me in my smaller body. Being sick really put a hitch in my giddy-up. Back to the 'kick start' idea: some people have added a little fat to their diet and had great results. Maybe my body needs that? I'll try it. If it sets me back instead of moving me ahead, at least I can pinpoint the cause and not do it again. Also, some people have gone 'rogue' and figured out ways to not be bored that, heck, I may just try this time around. I'm thinking a 3 oz. glass of red wine in place of my veggies. I have a social gig tonight and may try that. However, on 500 calories (including the wine) and having not had any for almost 3 weeks, maybe I'll wait. I do have to drive home and even normally it only takes 2 classes for me to be lit. I'm stumped. And pissed. I do not even know what to say except revisit my post from yesterday and ask those that insist anyone will lose weight on 500 calories a day (of which I was one until this morning)...oh really?
I haven't deviated from the plan one iota. I haven't even wanted to. I haven't been hungry. Yesterday I had salad with chicken, lettuce, apple (and yes, Walden Farms 0 calorie dressing) + 1 grissini for lunch and chicken and steamed cabbage with 1/4 grapefruit + 1 grissini for dinner. Perhaps the dressing was the problem? It never has been before, but I don't recall such a large jump before that couldn't be explained by weighing at a different time of day or something. That's the only thing that keeps me going this morning. That and a lot of faith that this MUST work eventually. It's the only thing that ever has. It is my only hope. Diet and exercise didn't do it for the last 6 months. This is it. Yesterday after posting, I got dressed for work and I put my rings on for the first time in a long time. They fit snug, which surprised me because even though the increments have been slow, they have been downward. I've worn the rings in the last few weeks, and while they were almost uncomfortably tight, I could get them on and off. With steady bumps down on the scale, I expected them to go on more easily. I almost decided not to wear them because they were hard enough to get on, I wasn't sure I'd get them off. My thought at the time was that my perception of myself as bigger and lumpy from the day before must be water weight that I was now seeing verified in my hands. By the end of the day, they were so lose they were spinning on my fingers. And my pants kept falling down. It will be the last time I can wear them until I take in the waist. Which was a good thing, because I weighed at work and the Tanita declared me obese and had my fat percentage, weight, and BMI higher than even the Wii. I would have gone into a tailspin if the rings and pants weren't telling me something different. If I had still been feeling lumpy and bigger, and gotten confirmation...I would have been a puddle of tears I think. There was a serious disconnect with this experience, but I told myself whatever was going on would resolve today. I was wrong. Now the only thing I can tell myself is to keep going...it will resolve tomorrow. I know the Hcg is working just like it is supposed to as far as how I feel. I have to wonder what the hell is going on with my body?? Same as yesterday, but discouraging.
The difference is yesterday I came home from work and everything I put on made me look lumpy. I felt fat...after having felt better. I ate my 500 calories even though I wasn't hungry. I again came home from work with 1/2 my apple and my 1/2 cuke with my melba waiting in the cupboard. I didn't want it. I figured if I ate it at 4:30 though, I might want dinner in a couple of hours and could get it all in. I walked 2.5 miles (300 calories burned with a 6 incline according to my treadmill) and ate my dinner even though I WASN'T hungry...still. The way I felt and looked to myself through my own eyes in the mirror had a significant affect on how I perceived that .2 drop. I gave myself the 'rah rah' pep talk this morning that I gave myself before..."it has to be working because I'm not hungry and feel great and anyone on 500 calories has to lose weight quickly anyway; there will be a big drop soon." And I've seen it, so I do know it's true. But I had a client recently who is at about the same place I am in my journey. She was telling me that she'd gone to Weight Watchers in her most recent attempt to lose weight. She is Miss Any Client, as I've heard this story before. Indeed, I've lived it myself in other ways, with dietitians and doctors. So anyway, the familiar story is that she followed the program religiously. She was eating 1200-1600 and working out like a fiend. And at the end of the month had lost 3 lb. while most of the other people were reporting much bigger losses. The determination was that she must be doing something wrong. "You just need to exercise more and eat less." is what she was told. Been there. Done that. For those that read my history, you know there were 4-6 month stretches where I worked weights and cardio for a total of 3-4 hours a day at stretches, with 900-1200 calories. I was starving, grumpy...and still fat. Like this woman I'd lose perhaps 2-3 lb. in a MONTH of working my ass off and being miserable. No one can sustain that. And yet, people would tell me I just wasn't trying hard enough. And I had questions then that I will have that I was reminded of as the situation was mirrored back to me. 1. If anyone will lose weight by just cutting calories and moving more, disregarding the Hcg, how can I not be losing much more than .2 per day...essentially the 1-2 lb. per week...if I'm only eating 500 calories and burning 300-500 calories beyond the 1,900 FitDay.com tells me I burn just existing? 2. That has prompted people to tell me "Maybe you are eating to FEW calories. Maybe your body thinks it's starving." Well, I've tried every calorie and exercise combo (and food combo...low fat, low carb, etc.) and got the same result, but my question with this is, if it is as simple as 'eat less, more more' why the hell should that matter? Now we have shows like the Biggest Loser where the people are starved and worked (what looks like) nearly to death. If the object is to burn more than you take in, why would your body stop losing if you ate too little, but not if you ramped up your exercise to the same threshold of more calories out than in? Why would my body think I'm starving if I eat 500 calories less than my body thinks I need, but NOT think I'm starving if I burn 500 calories than my body thinks I need? In addition, the more muscle you build, the more calories you require to exist. Muscle burns more calories than fat. So why wouldn't a program that builds muscle and restricts food make your body think you are starving? Why wouldn't you stop losing weight? I realize that some people actually would find themselves in this situation and would need to increase their calories, but the point of a reduction program is to reduce calories and increase exercise. A calorie is a calorie is a calories is not true. The simple 'calorie in, calorie out' equation is not true for everyone. I have met hundreds like myself in the last couple of years. Maybe we are broken. Maybe we were just built for survival. I don't know. But we exist and we have been ignored. I've also met plenty of people for whom this advice would be appropriate and they just want to eat what they want to eat and refuse to move. They frustrate the hell out of me. In any case, I'm not hungry and I feel good (albeit bored silly with my options), so I will still tell myself that at least I'm moving in the right direction. And I'll point out to myself what I tell clients...that I've lost just over 10 lb. in less than 3 weeks and in the past, that could have taken easily 3 MONTHS or more. So I'll stop bitchin'. Down .2 according to Wii. I didn't even look on the other scale. I put it away. I'm looking for a downward pattern anyway, not an absolute number. At least not yet.
I wondered if I'd actually have a larger drop today because of yesterday. I 'accidentally' walked 4 miles. I was just going to get a couple of miles in on the treadmill. I chose a short movie, but still 1.5 hours. I figured I would watch 1/2 and knit the rest or split it up into two walks, depending on how I felt. But I felt great and it was a good French movie with subtitles so I had to pay attention. I got pulled in. I just kept walking. The treadmill said I burned 520 calories (I had bumped the incline up to 5 or 6 early on because I was keeping the speed below 3 mph), which is about what I ate. I didn't add extra food. I didn't need it. I felt fantastic. I wasn't tired or hungry for the rest of the night. I don't know how accurate the treadmill is with that estimate. I know the 'calories burned' is always higher than my smart phone app or FitDay. It really doesn't matter though. The point is I burned more than I took in for certain…by a long shot. That's the thing with technology; some people take every little number as gospel. It's just a number on a machine. It's probably pretty close, but it's not written in stone. Even the Tanita scale comes up with wonky numbers that make no sense sometimes. I'm not sure if it's the machine or the body (which also does wonky things sometimes), but again, I'm just looking for patterns. If a number was really far out there, I'd ignore it once. If it happened repeatedly, I'd assume the machine was broken. If I FELT unusual AND the numbers were way off, I'd assume it was me. But I feel wonderful and this morning I look forward to seeing what I can wear to work. :-) My clothes are feeling bigger and I personally feel I'm taking up less space. I'm seeing collarbones and shoulders again, but hip bones have yet to appear. So whatever the scale says...whatever. I'm sticking to protocol so it must be working.
The Wii says I'm down .9, which does not compensate for that 2.0 gain just yet. The other scale said UP a pound. I seriously don't get that. But using two scales is confounding my figurin'. I'm going to go with the Wii for accuracy in increments even though it shows a (higher) number that I'm not happy with. Hence, the decision that I'm down almost a pound this morning. That would mean, depending on what tomorrow brings, I'm down about 10 lb. in two weeks. It's not the 15-20 I was hoping for, but it will do. Yes, I really have seen people, including myself, let go of 15-20 in two weeks, feeling great the whole time. I do feel great. All the usual experiences to report...mostly comfortable; sometimes distracted by thoughts of food but not inordinately so; hungry once in a great while for short periods, but not ravenous; a little spacey once in awhile, but functional. I did dream about all sorts of stuff I'd love to have a couple of nights ago, but oddly it wasn't stuff I usually eat anyway. It was cookies and cake and stuff. Those are not even my weakness. I'd go toast over pastry any day. By the third week sometimes it slows down to 3 or 4 lb. per week. I hope that is not the case, but I guess I take what my body is willing to give up. This morning I weighed at 9:30 am instead of 6 am. On the analog scale it looked like I might be down more than a lb. So I dared to go on the Wii. I knew that after the apparent 6 lb. drop overnight after the calibration, it was going to be sadly incremental, but I did not expect a 2 lb. GAIN!
A smaller gain would not have surprised me...though I fail to understand how one scale can say I lost and one can say I gained, all within minutes of each weigh, with the same amount of clothes on (none). But the smaller gain might have been the water retention because I had sauerkraut again last night. I did not have a full cup, and I had 1/2 an apple from the day before in stead of a whole one for lunch, so the calorie count for yesterday might have been, eh, 20 or 30 calories lower. And, because I was feeling a little spacey, I took some psyllium and bentonite clay. Since this is not protocol, let me explain why I did this. This 'spacey' feeling isn't from hunger. In fact I wasn't very hungry yesterday at all. Bored with the food? Yes. Wishing I could enjoy happy hour on a Friday night? Yes. Hungry? Not so much. I even did yoga I felt so good, actually. So the 'spacey' isn't about hunger usually, though some people want to attribute it to that. It doesn't go hand-in-hand with weakness or headache or other hunger issues. I wasn't inordinately cold or anything. I just felt a little restless and concentration was laborious. This, for me, is usually a sort of detoxification thing. We hold fat soluble toxins, estrogen...all sorts of stuff in our fat. When the fat is released, those things are then released into our bodies. I also had a third cup of coffee. In the event that stuff was moving through, I drank a class of bentonite and psyllium to move it through. The think about both of those substances is that they absorb a ton of water. In fact, I likely drank more than a gallon of water yesterday. I, who drink almost that much daily anyway, had enough water that I just didn't want any more that evening. (Which is probably why I slept so good last night and didn't get up to pee!) Delicately, all of that is still part of the 'weigh in' currently. Thus, I'm not worried. I am sticking to protocol selections and portions (or less, which I know is not good and I'm working on it) and I know for a fact I cannot gain weight on 500 calories per day. Something else is going on and I just need to keep going. I do admit to being bored with my selections and missing red wine. However, feeling smaller is helping me to not be too upset about that. Besides, being bored is my own fault. If I liked fish or seafood, I'd have a bigger selection. Tonight I may go with asparagus and a beef patty, even knowing that beef isn't usually kind to me on the scale. Maybe for lunch I'll mix it up and have a salad using chicken, apple and lettuce. I have some Walden Farms dressings to use up. Actually, a note here about that: In my previous posts I've mentioned Walden Farms and Atkins Bars. I've since learned a lot about Splenda, and I make an effort to avoid it now. Both of those items do contain it. I do not buy either now. I just have some left in my fridge and I'm too cheap to toss it. I will buy gum that contains artificial sweeteners only because I've bought natural brands and they last about 2 minutes. If any one knows of a good natural brand, I'll switch. For now, I figure I don't use gum every day and even th The food picture is my lunch packed for work. People think you don't get to eat on this program. That is 1/2 cucumber, 1 small apple and 1-100g priced of grilled chicken. I don't always eat the melba toast. At the bottom are the supplements I take to keep my blood thin.
I just wanted to post that yesterday I was hungry for awhile. Not so bad I wanted to cheat, but bad enough I wanted a cup of decaf...and didn't have it! I think what I wanted was some flavor, which means I wasn't really hungry, but craving something to satisfy my tastebuds. I chugged some water instead. When DH got home from work, we went for a 2.5 mile walk, had my protocol dinner (which looks a lot like protocol lunch for me, since I hate fish and seafood and gain on beef) and went grocery shopping. By the time we went to the store, I was not the least bit phased by being around all that food. I even stood in front of the Ben & Jerry's freezer (because of course it was right across from the frozen veggie freezer, which is what I was buying) and marveled that I was not tempted in the least. Later... Funny how different today was than yesterday. I ate 1/2 apple and my chicken, but forgot to eat the rest! I wasn't even hungry when I got home from work, so by the time I realized I still had food, it was close to dinner. I put the cukes and other half of the apple (didn't take the melba) in the fridge. If I get hungry later I might eat them. I probably should. I tell my clients they need to get all of their calories in! I planned to come back and post after work regarding something that was on my mind this morning. I had someone ask me how I monitor the blood thinning efficacy of my supplements. When you are on warfarin, they poke your finger once a week to get your "INR" number. If it's too high, they adjust your dose down. If it's too low, they adjust your dose up. And it's a big crap shoot where it will fall, because so many foods and medications can mess with it. In the meantime, they tell you that you may have bleeding gums, or nose bleeds, freaky bruising or heavy menstrual bleeding. Not to worry though, as long as your stools aren't black (indicating internal bleeding) or there is no blood in your urine (ditto), all that other stuff is NORMAL. Hell no it's not normal! That is one of the reason I could not continue for months and months, or perhaps forever. Some of the supplements I take my doctor recommended (like the vitamin C and E combo that lowers homocysteine levels, the B12 that does the same, the oils I'm currently not taking, and the Nattokinase and Lumbrokinase). Other supplements I take because I have taken them previously, and while they may thin blood (like ginger, Neem or Triphala) I'm not taking excessive amounts or anything. I'm taking either the recommended dosage or less. In any case, I'm watching for...drum role please...unusual bleeding or bruising. And what would I do if I noticed it? I'd stop taking stuff. The way I see it, the only thing I've done is cut out the step where someone tells me to to stop taking stuff, whether that determination is made via in INR number or spooky blood stuff I notice myself. I took that pile of pills all summer because I was dissolving the clots and didn't want more to form. I continued with them because I knew I'd be sitting for hours per day doing dictation AND I'd be on protocol. I'll taper down this weekend, and by next week be taking about half. Once I'm done with protocol, I'll likely stay on several...B complex, the C and E, D, fish oil, triphala, neem and either the natto or lumbro. I'll take low doses to balance out the propensity to clot caused by the genetic mutations, and bump them up when I'm in a situation where I'm sitting a long time. By doing this, I have every reason to believe I can avoid aspirin therapy and further mishap. Could I screw up? Sure. I doubt more than another person shooting in the dark at what may or may not happen if I put something in my body. And I take responsibility for that. The Hcg situation was the same. I had people ask me why I was so comfortable taking it without supervision, as the first 4 times were. First of all, when I was pregnant, my body made this stuff in far higher doses than I was taking to lose weight. When I was taking it to lose weight, I could just stop taking it if there was a problem. It wasn't like I could just not be pregnant. Again, I cut out the middleman. Instead of asking someone to verify that I felt wonky and have them tell me to stop, I just would have stopped. That seems so simple to me. Anyway, that answers those questions. I was going to post last night to declare that I do believe 150 may be my 'I could live with it if I had to but I don't want to' weight. I felt smaller. My clothes fit bigger. I was sure I had a big drop and I would be below the 150 mark this morning.
The reason I'm posting is because not only did I not clear that milestone, but I seem to have inched UP ever so slightly. However, here is why I'm sharing: I know that in actuality, that is impossible. I've told this to clients so many times! If you are eating 500 calories per day, drinking your water and sleeping well, there's no way that it is possible to gain weight on this program, no matter how it appears. Hang in there! This is my 'hang in there' post for my own sanity. I know that a two zero days, even followed by what appears to be a gain will be followed by a big drop. I know that if I were taking my measurements, I'd likely see what I currently feel...that I am shrinking. I had sauerkraut two days in a row, an then tomatoes last night for my veggie. Maybe that water still needs to be released? I haven't been sleeping well, last night mainly because my leg ached and it kept me awake wondering if I could continue to do my job because this is just using muscles I don't usually use, or I'd have to stop because hours of sitting is backing up circulation in my leg. If it is my leg and there is water backing up, that would show up on the scale too. I'm going to try to make today a very short day and get a lot of walking in, and hopefully tomorrow is my last day of dictation. What gives me hope is that I see my collar bones and shoulders with more distinction again. My hands feel like mine again and I could probably comfortably put my rings back on. My ankles and feet look slender again. My curves are far more noticeable, which I know isn't just me deluding myself because my husband noticed too. I will keep doing what I'm doing because I know it works. (I am ever so glad I wasn't weighing on the Wii yet!) |
AuthorI struggled with my weight for over 20 years. I tried everything to lose weight. Yes, I did 'eat less, move more' repeatedly, convinced that doing the same thing over and over would someone yield different results. Desperate, having diligently done all the 'right' things and being told by several doctors that there was nothing wrong with me except that I wasn't trying hard enough, in 2009 I tried what seemed crazy: Dr. Simeons Hcg protocol. I lost 85 lb. Archives
April 2012
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